The BIG 3-0

(The clouds and the moon tonight.......so beautiful.)

Wow. The day is juuuuuuust about here. I'm sitting here watching the last few minutes of my 20's fade away. Rarely do you ever hear anyone say, "I can't WAIT to turn 30!" and I too have spent years preparing for this event with mixed emotions, a little bit scared to move forward yet excited to see what the future holds. Thirty is by no means "OLD." I've heard it referred to as a time when life really begins. BUT I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm a little apprehensive to embark on this new decade.

It's a bit early to have an authentic mid-life crisis— But when approaching a milestone birthday, I think it's only natural to stop and take stock of life. To compare your list of dreams with your list of realities and assess where you are in the journey. To ask yourself whether you have achieved what you had hoped to by now, and if not, is it too late to do so? To accept that your body will NEVER ever again look like it did when you were 16, and finally realize that maybe you don't want it to. ☺

For as long as I can remember, my primary goal in life was to be a mom. It's not the most glamorous path a young girl could aspire to, but there was nothing I could imagine wanting more. My maternal instincts were beckoning to me louder than my drive for a career and I felt compelled to follow. I knew my education was very important though and I had to learn to manage the challenge of finishing college with a baby at my side. Nothing motivated me like my Dallin. And none of my education goals would have ever been met if I didn't have my supportive husband and family cheering me on the entire way.

 With three pregnancies under my belt, most of my twenties were spent sacrificing my body to various little tenants who toiled away for months, kicking the walls and banging on the pipes until they finally evicted themselves to scream at me face to face. While others my age were getting their masters degrees, and interning at jobs, my years were spent supporting my husband, celebrating births, nursing newborns, taming toddlers, and potty training preschoolers, often all at once. But I emerged through it all with something I hold more precious than a high-paying job: my three beautiful boys. Many can argue that forgoing a career was unwise, but I’m content with the course of my life so far and I can’t imagine it being any other way.

If you told me 10 years ago that by the time I was 30 I was going to be a law school widow, live on food stamps for awhile, have a zillion dollars in student loans, move 7 times, have a young child with developmental delays, have a husband with a brain tumor, be a Young Women's president, experience job loss, have to leave my first house, and most recently have to deal with the heartbreak of infertility I probably would have locked myself in a closet to avoid my fate. Would I really though? Nah. There have been SO many incredible and good things to be thankful for. The good FAR outweighs the bad. I am blessed with the BEST husband I could have ever dreamed of. He is so kind, thoughtful and sweet to me. We are crazy about each other and my love for him just continues to grow. I have 3 handsome boys that bring me so much joy and teach me so much more then I could ever possibly teach them. They have revealed to me both my talents and my weaknesses. I am quick to know without a doubt that the difficult times have shaped me and helped me to grow into the person that I am today. After all, thats why we're here right?

There are times when I look at my boys and am completely amazed that I am old enough to be a mother at all. (Especially with how tall Dallin is as of late!) The surprising curveballs life can pitch makes me wonder what will shock me before I turn 40. What will I be like as a person in ten years? Will I find the balance between motherhood and womanhood? Will I have a career? Will I travel? Will I embrace middle age and start to wear mom jeans and complain about the crap on the radio?

 At 30, I am now old enough to have the confidence to stop apologizing, the wisdom to stop trying to fit in, and the ability to enjoy the fact that I never will. I have been celebrating my birthday for the past 17 days in such a fun and secretive way doing all sorts of little random acts of kindness for others and it has been so incredible and rewarding. I want to write all about it but I think I'll keep those experiences as a gift to myself. ♥ And finally, I have forgiven myself for the indiscretions and weaknesses that I succumbed to during my twenties. The past is the past, and a new chapter is opening before me. I am concentrating on being a person I would want my boys to be. And I will no longer try to squeeze into the mold of a perfect daughter, wife, and mother and instead start to carve a new mold: the perfect me.

Ready or not......30 here I come!