Deep thoughts

I'm in a bit of a pensive mood today. I'm not sure what triggered it. Maybe its just because its another cold and gray winter day and I am counting down the moments until spring. It makes me so excited to think about the changes we'll have coming up in the next 3 months.

It has been 6 years in July since I started recording the daily haps here of the Starnes Family. That is almost HALF of my married life! This afternoon I spent a good hour and a half looking back through the years. This is what my family looked like back then:

3 very small boys. No one in school yet. Nate a looks SO much different....for obvious reasons. ☺ My hair is darker. I will say (if I dare) that I love that beige trench coat. I still wear it all the time.

I don't consider myself a very wise person but as I looked through a few of the posts from yesteryear I was touched by some of the "kind-of wise" observations I've made in the past. I feel like lately I just write down things that are happening.....documenting the journey. I feel like I don't spend a lot of time writing the things that I am learning. The whole reason I record our lives is for myself and more specifically for my children. I want them to look back and see the things we did together, to read the things that they said, and to remember the good the bad and sometimes the funny. I also want them to know the things that I learn along the way and so I want to try to do a better job of that if possible. Or maybe if time LETS ME I guess I should say!

 As we get closer to moving once again I've tried to think a lot about the lessons I have learned since we moved here. One of those lessons would have to do with my last post. I know that home is where your family is....no matter where that is.  I could live in a cave or in a palace and it will be home as long as my husband and my children are with me. That being said, I am so excited for a fresh start. I am so excited to have real roots, a place my family can make memories in the years to come. I'm excited to move into a house and be in a positive place. I feel like when we moved here I was not happy about it, I was so negative and maybe that set tone for some of the negative feelings I have for this house, this neighborhood, this ward. Things have definitely become a lot better over the years but I still just feel like this isn't where we belong long term. I'm grateful for the people we have met while we've been here and am very happy that we'll still be close enough to have them in our lives on a regular basis.

I think one of the absolute biggest lessons I've learned has been a lesson of forgiveness. I had a big falling out with a friend last summer and that experience has taught me a lot. She attacked my parenting and she attacked my boys and I completely lost my cool. I was so angry. So incredibly hurt. I decided I didn't want her in my life anymore and thought that by pretending she didn't exist that the problem would just go away. The resentment ate at me though. Weeks turned into months. I watched General Conference in the fall and was touched by the many messages relating to forgiveness. I knew I had to do something. I spent an evening writing a letter. I apologized. Even though I felt like I was the one who was wronged, I knew that I needed to get over who was at fault and just be the bigger person. I wanted to move on. I wanted for things to go back to normal. Forgiveness is not something you do for other people, its something we do for ourselves to move on. Unfortunately though, I feel like my apology fell on deaf ears. Things have continued to be awkward despite my efforts but I at least feel peace about trying. I wish it were one of those stories where everyone hugs and makes up. Even though there's no happy ending to this experience I have changed because of it. Perhaps things will change in the future but all I can do is take this experience and move forward.

I've learned a lot about the power of personal inspiration. When we were told by the doctor that we wouldn't be able to have any more children I knew that he was wrong. I knew we hadn't done everything in our power to get our little girl here. I know I was led to information that would help us. It would have been easy to give up and go against what my heart was telling me. I'm so glad that we were able to get to the real root of the problem, that our Anna is now here just I knew she would be. It wasn't easy by any means but it was an experience that helped me to know that my prayers are heard. My prayers are answered and even though at times I felt extremely alone....I wasn't. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.

I've learned a lot about joy. It is something that doesn't happen to us. We have to choose it and work for it each day. This harder said than done. Some days I just want to quit. Some days I just don't care. Some days I really try and it doesn't get me anywhere. Sometimes I try and it pays off 100%. and some days it just comes.I've also learned that you shouldn't postpone joy until you have learned all of your lessons. Sometimes joy can be found in those lessons.

There is more....I have a baby to feed and a house to pick up though.

I drive my husband crazy with always trying to understand the reasons things happen....my over-analyzing of everything.

Hey....his patriarchal blessing warned him that I was quirky. ☺ (for reals)