About 6 weeks ago I finished this little project. I found an old screen and decided I loved the color and so I put 4 blown up pictures of my 4 beautiful kids inside. As I stood back to admire my completed project I felt full of love and joy that my 4 kids are all here healthy and happy. I felt such peace knowing my family was complete and I was so excited thinking about our future and how I would hang these pictures in our new house. A new chapter of life was beginning.
Ironic isn't it?
A couple of weeks later I noticed that Anna was losing interest in nursing, she wasn't gaining any weight and I was feeling extremely lethargic. I seriously thought I had cancer or something. I don't know why I decided to purchase a pregnancy test because I really didn't think that was what was going on. After all, when the Doctor tells your husband he is STERILE, and I am nursing a baby, AND it took over a year to get her here because of all sorts of medical intervention.........really? That couldn't have even been a POSSIBILITY.
I took the test later that day. 2 lines popped right up. I saw the test, THREW it in a bathroom drawer and SLAMMED the door shut. I started to cry. No. Freaking. Way. I thought I was dreaming. I thought I was having a nightmare. Nate was going to DIE. How was I going to tell him?
I planned to tell him later on that evening. We went up to the new house and he was wiring all of the surround sound. He looked so cute in his tool belt and was so focused on the project at hand. I didn't have the heart to tell him. I waited until that night. He asked me if something was wrong. I nodded my head and started to sob. "We're having ANOTHER baby."
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Was his response.
After a mini freak out session he came back around. He told me that OBVIOUSLY this child was meant to be in our home. There were just too many obstacles to overcome for this to just happen. I had no idea how far along I was. I've only had one period since I've had Anna because I've been nursing. I was guessing I was somewhere between 7-12 weeks along.
Nate has been my rock through this. He has maintained a positive attitude and kept me laughing. I don't know what I would do without him. My favorite line so far has been, "No need to add on to our new house...it already has a new addition!" He is excited about this. I am getting there.
For awhile I felt nothing but guilt. Making my Anna have to grow up faster than necessary. How will I be able to support the boys in all of their sports and events when I am busy chasing after a tiny toddler and a newborn baby? Where am I going to find the energy to keep up with 5 children? Only CRAZY people have 5 kids! How are we going to PAY for all of these kids? How am I going to give them all the attention that they need? How am I going to survive with NO family around?
I found a quote by Richard G. Scott that has been keeping me afloat though. He says:
"A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth."
When I told my dad the news I loved his response. "You'll never regret having another member in your family. That is what life is all about." He even ventured to say, "After your brother left on his mission I wished with all my heart that we had another one."
I'm grateful for my family. My extended family. My sweet friends. I feel buoyed up by their support and love. I've had so many friends here in Idaho Falls come running to help me. They've come to help me clean my house, they've made me dinner, they've made me laugh and offered to watch kids, help me pack, or just go out to lunch so I don't have to cook. My dear Emily calls me and forces me to go and pick up my medicine (which, by the way is REALLY helping). I'm so thankful and grateful for each one of them.
My saving grace for the time being is knowing that my sweet Anna will have a sibling close in age. I always worried about the 5 year age difference between her and the boys. I'm glad she will have a little sibling (crossing my fingers for a SISTER) that she can play with and grow up with. Looks like they will be 16 months apart. Whoa. That's so close!!!
We told the boys the news about a week ago. Here were their responses:
Landon: "YESSS!!! When will she be here?"
Parker: "Really Mom? We get 2 miracles now? I can't believe we'll have 7 people in our family! Can I tell my friends?"
Dallin: "That's awesome. Can this be the last one please?"
I'm sure once I start feeling a bit better that I will be more excited about this whole thing. It's not that I don't want another sweet spirit to join the crazy Duggar....er, Starnes family. I'm just overwhelmed. I'm holding that pebble up to my eye and I need to cast it down on the ground. It will be hard for awhile but we'll make it through. We always do one way or another. ☺
