Getting really personal

This was a post that I wrote at the beginning of October. I decided that I didn't have the strength to publish it at the time, but today I've been feeling the need to share.

October 3, 2011

What a great Conference weekend. My spiritual canteen has been filled once more. I love having the opportunity to sit back for a couple of days and listen with an open mind and heart and to feel that love and encouragement that I have been needing so much these past few months.

 "It may be true that man is nothing in comparison to the greatness of the universe. At times we may even feel insignificant, invisible, alone, or forgotten. But always remember -- you matter to Him!" Deiter F. Uchtdorf

and

"Pondering a passage of scripture can be a key to unlock revelation and the guidance and inspiration of the Holy Ghost.  Scriptures can calm an agitated soul, giving peace, hope, and a restoration of confidence in one's ability to overcome the challenges of life. They have potent power to heal emotional challenges when there is faith in the Savior." Richard G. Scott.

It's so hard for me to believe that it is already October. It's a big month in my mind. You see, it has been officially OVER a year since Nate and I decided that we wanted to add another little Starnes to our family. Over a year = official infertility. Now, I realize that Nathan and I have been SO very blessed. We have these 3 boys who we adore and cherish. We used to think that we were crazy to have had children so young. We just felt like it was what we needed to do. As I look back I now realized more then ever that it was the spirit telling us that we needed to start our family right away. I am SOOOO glad that we heeded the promptings because if we hadn't we might not have had any children at all.

Little did I know a year ago that we would soon find out that the tumor in my husband's brain would come back to haunt us years later. Little did I know that the decision to have more children would soon be out of our hands. It has been a year of many shots, medications, many MANY tears and much frustration. We're running out of options as many of the treatments that had promising results have failed us again and again. We finally heard the dreaded words from our Dr. "Your next and final step will be moving forward with in-vitro."  Yeah, and we definately have $20,000 laying around for that. Doesn't everyone?
I've gone through many emotions and have cried more this year then probably all of the other years of my life combined together. I thought job loss was hard, I thought dealing with the tumor when we first found out about it was hard. They pale in comparison to this. This is different then any other trial I have EVER experienced. This one cuts my heart in pieces, has made me very angry and has made me feel forgotten and alone. When a trial has to do with something that seems so GOOD and so RIGHTEOUS, it just seems so wrong. I just didn't feel like my family was complete. I felt robbed of that very personal decision. I felt like maybe I had done something to deserve this. I felt like I was being punished or maybe I'm just not doing a good enough job as a mom.

I can't ignore or dismiss all of the things that I have learned though. I continue to learn, to grow, to be stretched each day. I have such a new found deep and heart wrenching sympathy for couples who have to deal with this in their lives. The constant reminders are everywhere and just as the sting seems to fade a little then someone else says something or someone else you know announces that they too are expecting. It is never said to intentionally hurt yet it still does, and the vicious cycle continues. I've realized that I used to be one of those people who would say those things that you think are helpful but really aren't. "It will happen if you just relax," "You could always just adopt" "Well, you already have 3 boys, you're busy enough." My eyes are opened to this now. I'm grateful for that.

Elder Paul V. Johnson stated in the April 2011 Conference:

"At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses."

I KNOW that this is true. When we moved to Idaho Falls a year and a half ago I met my dear friend Jessi who only had one child and was longing for more. She told me about her long 7 year infertility struggles and my heart hurt for her. I remember saying to her, "Of all the trials in life, I honestly think that not being able to have children (when you WANT to) would be the absolute hardest." It has been such a blessing and miracle to see her adopt her sweet son. I know that things work out for a reason. I just never in a million years thought I would be experiencing a trial very similar to hers. We were one of those annoying couples who couldn't STOP from getting pregnant. I will say however, that having her listening ear has been such a comfort to me as I know she has firsthand experience with these very raw and real emotions. Honestly, I think only people who have ever been through the roller coaster of infertility really know how deeply it hurts.  Perhaps another small tender mercy.......I know so.

Conference helps me put things in perspective. It doesn't make this whole experience less painful but it reminds me that I am important and that I DO matter to him. We're on this earth to be tested and tried and even though I'm pretty sure I'm failing miserably at this particular test, I know I have to dig deep, hold fast to faith and endure to the end. When life doesn't go as you'd planned it's easy to focus too much on those lost hopes and disappointments and forget about the blessings that are laying right in front of you.

I love this quote (and I'm sure my husband will too ☺):

I know that I need to keep moving, doing all that I can do, and leave the rest up to the Lord.